Updated: May 12, 2021
Women have been struggling with the question for ages. Long before Betty Friedan wrote The Feminine Mystique, in 1963 there was a deep sense of "is this all there is" burning in our collective hearts and souls. Along with that question, immediately chasing on its tail comes the next. If there is more, "can I have it?" Is it really possible for me to have it? "Can I have more, please and even more boldly, can I have IT ALL?"
Before you can answer, there are some other more fundamental questions that you have to be willing to ask yourself first.
What is "all"?
At one time, it was assumed that we women all wanted the same thing: children. Of course. Then, having it all would be to have our children and what men had: careers. That was it, that was all. We would have the privilege of having a job outside of the home AND being the primary care-givers and care-takers of home and hearth.
Let's look at a typical day:
5 am Awake & get yourself ready
6 am Get your child/ren up and get him/her/them ready
7 am Take car/bus to daycare
8:30 am Get to work and rock it all-day
5:30 pm Get to daycare
6: 00 pm Get home
6:30pm Make a nutritious dinner (frozen pizza or chicken nuggets)
7 pm Help with homework
7:30 pm Bathtime
8:30 pm Kids to bed
5: am Repeat
The reality is a little overwhelming. Yes, it is possible to have a child/children and work full time, but is it daytime fantasy movie of the week? No, it is hard, hard work. Statistics show that often partnerships don't last and what "help" you may have been getting no longer is there. 40% of first-time unions, 60% of second-times and 70% of third-times end in separation. (Check out this controversial, thought provoking and I think wonderful article that explores why women may not want equality) ..
Is that what you mean when you say to yourself "Can I have it all?" I doubt it.
So, What Do You Mean?
If you want something to manifest, you have to know what you want.
That is always the first step. Now is the time to use your imagination. Why confine yourself to a life of drudgery, and hard, hard work? Be creative!
First of all, do you even have children in your ideal life? Not all women do. Gasp! Not all women want to have children. Double gasp! Guess what? That is totally NATURAL and cool. We do not need to reproduce in order to keep this species alive. There are plenty of humans on this planet, we will be just fine. If you are a woman who does not want to make another human, stop feeling guilty about it. And if you are someone who assumes that all women want to have children, check yourself. You have no say in what any woman does with her body, not from the moment she is born to the moment she dies. It is her body. So, stop asking, as part of a general conversation it is rude. If you are a health provider, well that's different, maybe.
Envision what you want your life to look & feel like. Imagine the way you will dress, you will walk, you will talk and the people you will spend your time with. See the way you will carry yourself and hear yourself speaking. Even more important is the feeling: what is the energy that you will bring into every day and the energy of the people in your space and your life? Feel the positivity, the passion, the creativity, the spark and sparkle you will exude into the room, and the house, and the town that you are in and what you will expect to feel return to you. Set an intention of the way you will treat others and the way you will be treated with compassion, kindness and respect. If you have children see them laughing, and growing and learning. See things going smoothly every day.
What is the best you can imagine for your life? That is your all. Now imagine it as if you have it already, today at this moment. Bring it forward from whatever timeline you were envisioning it and see it in the present tense. Be grateful for it, now.
What Do I Need To Give To Be Successful?
There are some Universal Laws for Success and one of them is that you cannot get without giving. What are you willing to give to get what you want?
Getting what you want doesn't have to be blood, sweat and tears like your grandparent's generation believed. Working harder is not necessarily the answer. You are probably working pretty darn hard now. But are you working smart? Are you doing the right things to propel you where you want to go? Because trust me there are indeed right things and not so right things. If you are putting in a ton of energy and getting very little back then you can be sure that you are not on the right track. It really is not rocket science. Why keep doing the same things more, longer, and harder? You might get an immediate response that looks like you are getting somewhere. Anyone can push a rock uphill an inch if they put all their effort behind it in a massive attempt. You will see a shift but ultimately, what will happen? That rock is coming right back down again.
Instead, of making that big push, start doing the things that are proven to work to get lasting, and sustained results:
Get up on time early enough to have a morning routine
Do at least 10 minutes of relaxing meditation and set an intention for your day
Visualize your life and hold that vision every single day
Set one main goal and write it out, work on it every single day until it is achieved
Study success and successful people
Practice a technique you learned in your study
Commit to do one thing that gets you closer to your goal
Surround yourself with only positive people (including you)
Visualize your day, celebrate success and make revisions to your obstacles
Take feedback well
Why Can't I Have it All?
What is the number one thing that stops you from having it all? You. Here's how it goes: I can't get up on time because....
I can't meditate because...
I'm not intuitive enough...
I'm not good at studying...
You don't know the people in my life...
Stop! Stop making excuses. We all want to sleep in but there is a bigger pay off in the long run if you get up and do your routine. We all want to eat that piece of cake in the moment but you will thank yourself when you can run and play with your child at the park with ease. We all want to watch Netflix but you will understand what is going on in class if you do the assignment now.
“The reason most people fail instead of succeed is they trade what they want most for what they want at the moment.” ― Napoleon Bonaparte.
Whatever excuse you are clinging to is a shackle that holds you at a fraction of your potential, it keeps you stuck in a game of what if, and if only. You are better than that. We have all had circumstances in life that have been, let's say, not ideal. Some women come from abuse, some from neglect or abandonment. Some women come from countries where it is illegal to speak without permission from their husband, for some girls it is illegal to go to school. Yet, they have made a choice to rise up and access every resource within and be the best they can be.
You and I are capable of doing the same. You can tune in to your inner wise woman and find the intuitive voice that whispers what you are meant to do and who you are meant to be. You can take that knowledge and build on it. You can surround yourself with mentors and positive souls striving to lift you up to the extraordinary woman it is your destiny to be. You are free to wake at whatever time you choose, to meditate, to form a vision, to do all that is necessary to succeed.
There is no one to blame and no one to extoll. Just you.
Can I Have it All Now?
Patience is a virtue. Even when you know 100% what it is that you want, is it guaranteed that you can have it all right now, immediately, in this instant? Sorry, not sorry, the answer is no. This is a fast-food-fast-expectation society and you are used to getting what you want pronto/presto but some things - really good things don't necessarily work that way. Some things take time. Another Universal law is you must reap before you sow. There are no overnight successes, not really.
A good wine, friendship, child, relationship, or customer takes time to develop. You have to invest in all of them to reap the rewards. Whether you are trying to build a successful marriage or a successful business partnership, it is built on trust and trust takes time. Razzle, dazzle only gets you so far. You have to be willing to commit and invest in the people in your lives. Show that you see who they are and be prepared to share of yourself.
Old habits and beliefs take time to change too. If you have been doing things one way for your whole life and getting poor results, switching to a new, more powerful, positive way and sticking to it will be a challenge. Everything in you is going to want to go back to your old habits. If you don't see immediate results that little voice in your head will be saying, "see, this isn't working, why are you bothering? Go ahead, snooze, go ahead, eat that cake, go ahead stop trying." This little voice can be such an A-HOLE, let's face it. But, you will be tempted to listen. It is so much EASIER to listen to that little voice and go backwards than to keep trying and doing the right steps in the forward direction.
Just be prepared!! Know that the voice will be ready and you be readier. Know that it takes at least 30-40 days to shift any habit, never mind one that has likely been there before you were even born (yes, before, you got these beliefs from somewhere). So persevere! Have a louder voice at the ready. Tell that little A-HOLE to shut up, that you know what you are doing and you are sticking with it.
Get help to hold you accountable. That is where a life coach is such an asset. We are your loudest cheerleader when you are working on forming new, positive habits for success so that you can have YOUR all. I would love to help you on this journey. Connect with me at firstname.lastname@example.org and let's set up a free 30-minute clarity consultation where we can chat about how you can co-create the life you want and ways that I can help. It's a great way to get to see if we're a good fit to work together.
Check out this article: How to Deal With a Narcissistic Mother featured in