There was a time when I would be rocked for days by a look on someone's face. Just a look could throw me into a tailspin, and I would begin to weave stories in my head with detailed narratives about all the possibilities that look might mean. In one second, any confidence I had built in myself as a competent, capable woman would be stripped away, and I would feel like a needy, insecure little girl again.
I wanted so badly to be a strong, independent, badass, woman and I was acting like a wimp.
Some days I would pull in and shut down, withdrawing from the person, and other days I might lash out in anger. Inevitably, my reaction would be confusing and detrimental to the relationship, whether with a partner, child, friend, employer, or colleague. They would see me as unstable and unreliable emotionally and not know why. I didn't know why either.
For a long time, I thought, "this is just the way I am", and that I was destined to ride an emotional roller coaster for life or else I would have to suppress myself completely and numb out to avoid "over-reacting" to things. Thankfully, I discovered that is just not true. The problem isn't having intense feelings; the problem is not knowing how to deal with them.
Emotional intensity is a part of me that I don't want to irradicate. I care deeply about things, and about people. That makes me an excellent intuitive life coach. Being empathetic and able to intuit the feelings of others is a gift that I am grateful to possess. I am glad for the ability to feel. Shutting down this awareness and pretending that I am not feeling is not a viable option.
Every emotion holds an energetic frequency, and when it goes unacknowledged, it gets stuck until you are ready to process it. The longer you avoid your feelings, the more negative energy accumulates, leading to anxiety, stress, feelings of discontent, and eventually to physical symptoms.
Thankfully, now I have something that makes all the difference: Because I have done the work of healing unresolved wounds from the past, taken control of my present and set myself up positively for the future, I no longer spiral out of control. I have developed an ingredient that makes life sweeter: mental toughness. And the best part is you can develop it too.
According to a research paper mental toughness is "generally characterized as a multidimensional concept that enables individuals to remain focused, determined and confident; allowing them to cope with, and even thrive in, challenging circumstances. ""It is the capacity to effectively manage adversity and consistently pursue desired goals "(Clough & Strycharczyk, 2012).
How Do You Develop Mental Toughness?
1. Get Clarity
It is time to take a look at who you truly see when you look in the mirror. What do you see yourself as? Are you seeing the little, scared girl who feels powerless, abandoned, unseen and unheard? Are you seeing someone who never had anything and doesn't want to share now? Are you seeing someone who is fat and always will be? Or who is terrible at school?
When your subconscious sees a small version of yourself, no matter how hard you work on a conscious level, you will sabotage your efforts.
Get help to identify what you've been seeing that has been holding you back so that you can do the necessary healing. Old wounds fester until you attend to them lovingly, with the proper care.
Once they are given the appropriate attention, the healing happens from the inside out.
I offer free 30-minute clarity sessions to help people identify the specific limiting beliefs that need attention.
2. Take Control
Once you have identified your limiting beliefs, it is time to take care of them.
We are all very skilled at installing concepts and ideas into our subconscious, which is very receptive.
All those times you might have dwelt on a mistake in your past and played it out over again or anticipated a problem in the future you have been programming yourself to think, feel and behave in a specific way.
It is time to change the program to a more positive channel. Use the same principle and focus intently, now imagining only what you do want. Think about what you want to be doing, who you want to be with, and how you want to feel.
Start to notice all the beautiful things that are already in your life and begin a practice of reframing, positive affirmations and of gratitude.
Make a commitment to yourself to follow through. Change is not an easy process, and there will be times when you just don't feel like doing the things that it takes to make it happen.
Whether you are looking to transform your relationship to yourself, money or others, you need some stick-to-itness.
Establish a daily routine with some simple practices that work. I recommend starting your day with a 10-minute relaxation or grounding meditation. The idea is not just to relax, although that is a nice benefit. A relaxation meditation opens up your imaginative and intuitive faculties to make the next steps even more effective. Follow your meditation with a visualization that includes a detailed description of your life vision. See yourself doing and being the way you want in your life and feeling how you want to feel. Listen to a set of affirmations that you have recorded that are unique to you.
Throughout the day, return to the vision and affirmations. I have set a timer so that I stop, pause, breathe, and tune in every couple of hours.
In the evening, review your vision and affirmations and congratulate yourself for all of the ways you have lived by them. Look into a mirror and reflect back to yourself your successes, finishing with the words, "I love you."
4. Goal Setting
Each goal you complete require two things from you:
1.) Desire: know why you want what you want
2.) Action: be prepared to take small, positive action steps to achieve it
Knowing what you want is a great start but let's be honest, that will not get you to the finish line. There is no motivation in "what"; the real drive to succeed always comes from "why".
Why do you want a relationship? Do you long for connection and intimacy?
Why do you want a beautiful house or to make more money? Do you long for security?
Why do you want a new job? Do you long for a feeling of purpose?
What is driving you to be successful?
For me, I want to be the best women's life coach in Canada. I want to help women to know their worth, to be able to live out their own dreams and thrive. That is my passion. Understand why you want these things. What will the change you are looking for bring to you, your family, your community and the world? To do that, I will have to complete several action steps along the way.
5. Face Your Fear
Being a badass doesn't mean being fearless.
When I put my heart into a new course, and it is time to launch, it is scary: what if no one likes it? When I first did videos talking honestly about who I am, how I work and how Inner Child work has helped me transform my life, I felt vulnerable. Discussing money used to be way out of my comfort zone until I changed my perspective about it.
Confidence is the ability to acknowledge your fear and face it. It is the act of investing in yourself when you don't believe in yourself yet. Take the first step to be willing to give and receive all the Universe has available to you.
Life is not going to suddenly become problem-free when you are doing your inner work, and you will not become bulletproof. Mental toughness is about knowing that you can handle whatever life brings.
Disappointments will not stop you from achieving your goals, dreams, and mistakes are a regular and even valuable part of life.
You can experience your emotion without losing control of yourself. It doesn't take over anymore. Mental toughness allows you to experience life as the master of your destiny.
If you are ready to do things differently and to get your life together with a life coach then the very first step is to find a coach that you trust and that is a good fit. Click this link for a FREE 30-minute consultation and let's explore the possibilities together.