Updated: 2 days ago
And Do You Really Want To?
What Makes Someone a Soulmate?
First of all, let’s get clear on what you are actually looking for. The term “soulmate” gets used a lot, and while it is pretty romantic sounding, is it really what you want?
How do you define a soulmate?
Here's what I define a soulmate as:
A soul that joins with yours to resolve karma and learn a lesson required during this lifetime.
That might be because of three reasons:
1.) Karma that was accumulated during a previous lifetime
2.) Something that the soul has chosen or "contracted" voluntarily to learn
3.) Karma that has been gathered during this lifetime, either by you directly or generationally
Here’s the thing, the lesson is not always learned with the greatest of ease and once the lesson is learned the contract is over. The souls might continue on the same path, and they might not.
For example, your soulmate might be the man who is incapable of giving, only taking, who teaches you that you are strong, independent, and capable of taking care of yourself.
Or they might be the partner who hides from you and your family in work, drugs, or alcohol creating a desperation in you to be seen and heard, which teaches you to finally listen and honour your own inner truth.
She might be the one who cheats and plays with your affection: One minute loving and passionate, the next gone. Her abandonment teaches you to find yourself and to show up for yourself always.
This is probably not what you are imagining when you are thinking about finding your soulmate. Am I right? What I’d like to suggest is that you change your thinking slightly and redefine your vision to include a new term: “life partner.”
A life partner is someone in alignment with your soul, and yes, together, you will learn and grow, but their primary purpose is not only to resolve a karmic lesson. The difference is an experience of two souls coming together in harmony. Your life partner is your beloved.
How Do You Get Ready For Love?
Here are 5 Tips For Getting Ready For Love.
1. Heal Yourself Emotionally
Before you begin on a journey to find your life partner, your beloved out in the world, be sure that you have found her within. You attract who you are. If you still have lingering wounds that lead you to believe you are unworthy and unlovable, you will attract a partner to support that belief.
Go within, connect to your emotions. Find the people and the circumstances where the source of your woundedness began. I recommend that you have help with this process from someone you trust: a therapist, counsellor or life coach who can compassionately and gently guide you. It is not easy to go deep enough on your own, and we tend to shy away from painful feelings because we are afraid that we will get stuck in them. The opposite is true. Unless we go within and release our emotions fully, we constantly get stuck in negativity. We get stuck in one unhealthy relationship after the next. Negative energy is stored until it is processed appropriately and ultimately released. A trained person can help you let go and finally move on to who you are beneath the damaging lies you have been programmed to hold. Before you attempt love with another, reboot to self-worth first.
2. Discover Your True Self:
Once you have a sense of yourself, you can start to have an understanding of what a good partner is. Build a list of all the qualities that you want in a loving life partner. Write them down in detail. Don’t get hung up on only physical attributes. Remember this is the person you will be spending the rest of your life with, and yes, you might find brown hair a real turn on now, but they might lose that hair in the next few years, and so what? Go deeper; what do you want to feel like in their company? Light, free, happy, silly, respected, cherished, beautiful, adored, sexy, intelligent, creative? What do you want to do together? Play, work, talk, workout, travel, go for long walks, cook, bowl, watch movies, volunteer, go to church, laugh, participate in politics, raise children? What are your top 3 characteristics? What will you value the most about the relationship? What will you value the most about your partner? What do you want your partner to value the most about you?
Remember that whatever you want the most, you will need to be – you attract who you are.
Are you prepared to be the qualities that you are longing for?
3. Trust Your Gut - Follow Your Intuition
When you look back at previous relationships, there were clues that things were not meant to be. You ignored them. Yes, you definitely did. Your intuition will have given you subtle messages. Intuition is a quiet voice, it whispers, and it nudges us, and it is up to us to learn how to listen and feel it and, most importantly, to follow. While self-worth is low, the voices that we hear are not our intuitive voice. We will listen to others: our parents, friends, partners telling us what we “should” do when it suits us, and we hear our own negative critic loud and clear.
Practice trusting your intuition. Keep a small journal with you throughout the day and write down any spontaneous impressions or things that seem like coincidences that occur. Really become aware of the whispers and nudges.
See what your body feels like as you get these. Observe how you, in particular, receive your messages. There are no coincidences. The universe is lining things up for you, and when you are looking, you will start to see; when you are listening, you will hear it.
In relationships, become aware when these same feelings arise in your body. Pay attention to what is happening and what you are feeling. Is there something that you are being asked to observe and be mindful of? How do you feel in the presence of the people you spend time with? Notice if you feel a familiar sense of unworthiness, or fearfulness? Notice if you are feeling small or diminished? Does this relationship remind you of anything or anyone? Is the universe drawing your attention to a familiar behaviour or a pattern that is unhealthy? If there is a red flag being waved, don’t ignore it. Hindsight is not how you want to live your life. Intuitive prompts are opportunities to address things in the present.
4. Practice Radical Acceptance – "It is What it is" – Stay Out of Fantasy Land.
Radical Acceptance is a term coined by Tara Brach, and it is a perfect concept to practice when you are finding your beloved.
Many of us have spent a great deal of time in previous relationships in “Fantasy Land”, that place where we see “something” in our partner, or we imagine that we do. That elusive something is enough to keep us hanging on to an unhealthy relationship, unresponsive, attachment phobic partner for years. We will go around and around in a cycle of tremendous hurt and disappointment, suck up/makeup time, plateau, hurt and disappointment, suck-up/makeup time, plateau etc., until finally our soulmate contract is fulfilled.
With a beloved, the rule must be: “It Is What It Is”. You must be willing to accept, wholeheartedly, not the potential person, but the person as they are. Can you appreciate what they bring to the table? Can you be truly grateful for the qualities they have that add to the richness of the fabric of your life? You don't have to be identical. In fact, if you are they will probably drive you nuts. Do you have shared values, yes, that is key. The best way to ensure this is to make sure you are 100% authentic. Remember, you will attract who you are. If you are not genuine, you will attract someone who is not being genuine. Don’t try and impress your partner by being a version that you think they’d like more, just be real. Expect that they are real with you.
Who you are must be enough for them, and who they are must be enough for you. If you have done your work first, then you know you are enough and you aren't going to settle for someone who doesn't appreciate your value. Of course, when two people come together, compromises are made, and change happens. I don’t like watching the news, so my partner watches it when I am meditating and then showering in the morning. He doesn’t enjoy watching the Rookie, so I watch it when he is out for his walk on his own. That’s another example; we both like to walk, but my partner walks 15,000 + steps every day, and I walk 7,000 on a good day. So we split it up. He walks with me, and then he goes on his own.
We’ve had some much bigger things to work through than this, but you get the idea. Compromise happens. Yet, I never want to change who he is and he doesn't want to change me. We might not like absolutely every aspect; there are things we disagree about. Some big things, like politics and religion, and yet it is what it is. I accept and love him, and he accepts and loves me.
And that is how it has to be. If you think, well give it some time, and this thing that I don’t like will go away, you have entered “Fantasy Land”, and that is a place you will never be with your beloved.
5. Learning to Relax & Have Fun Can Be Life-Changing
Finally, relationships are supposed to be fun. This is your life partner, right. So, relax and have some fun.
Trust that the universe supports the idea of you being happy. You deserve it. Be willing to try some new things. I’m not a huge fan of dating sites where all you have to do is swipe right or left; that is so de-humanizing. But, there are some sites out there where you put yourself out there, and so does the other person. Both of you are willing to invest money and time to get to know each other and grow a friendship first. Why not give it a try?
Work is one place to meet people, as long as you are respectful of the power dynamic and rules regarding human resources. You spend a lot of time at work and usually have common interests with the people you are with. That is where I met my beloved.
Friends can often be a resource to meet someone new. They know where you have been in the past in your relationships, where you are now in your life and have a good idea of who could be compatible with you. Why not give their suggestions a try?
MeetUps and other groups have pools of people with the same interests. They can be opportunities to get to know someone, and if you feel a connection, why not take a step?
When you are with your beloved, the old beliefs can start to emerge that tell you otherwise. Relax. Use your tools to stay grounded and present. Meditation every morning with an intention to enjoy your day and have a grateful heart and an attitude of gratitude can set the tone for a day of light-heartedness and connection with your partner. Visualize yourselves laughing together, dancing together, being passionate and affectionate. Breathe in deeply and smile.
Engage in activities that you both like that keep the feminine, creative energy flowing and ignite the masculine, active energy. Anything from card games to hiking or doing yoga together works excellent to keep that spark alive.
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Next week How to Communicate Better in Your Relationships