A lot of us are familiar with different love languages to express how we love others. You might show your love with physical affection, and I might pick up a pie on my way over (let's face it, I am not baking it). You might tell someone how beautiful or unique you think they are. I might try and solve all their problems. Some of us have never heard the words "I love you" or had a hug from a parent, but we know it because our tires are always rotated at the right time, or a care package arrives at our door.
But, one love language that is foreign to many women is self-love. It is unspoken, unseen, and untaught. It is unlikely to have been modelled by our grandmother's and ironically even less likely by many of our "I can do it all generation" of mothers.
Sadly, it is a lost language. We were all born with it. Every man and woman was once fluent in the language of self-love. Watch a baby watch itself. They marvel at the wonder of their amazing-ness. They know that every inch of them is beautiful, wonderful, a divine creation that is to be celebrated and stared at with awe. They look like they are high: totally strung out as their little hand waves in front of their eyes. It's radical dude. Then watch as they see themselves in a mirror: whoa! Now, they are really in love! That is the most gorgeous baby in THE world. They smile, and coo, and wonder at themselves. They get it: "You are a miracle!" Every baby knows this to be true. There is no doubt or shame. There is only approval, love and acceptance of who they are as perfect and right and as it is meant to be.
Once we become aware of the expectation of others, our light and love start to dim. The language of self-love becomes quieter and harder to hear over the noise of fear, judgement and rejection. Now, we begin the dance of pleasing.
Babies start with self-love because we are meant to love ourselves. I consider myself spiritual, not religious, and so look to many mentors. One of them is Christ. Whether you buy all the religious stuff or not, it is hard to argue with him as a pretty sage guy when it comes to love. One of his top pieces of advice (numero two, if you want to be specific) is "love others as much as you love yourself",( Matthew 22:39.) That gets used a lot to say go love others, which I think is good advice. I think it does indeed say we should love others. Here's the thing, he is unequivocal. "Love others as much as you love yourself" is a big ask that requires me to love myself.
So, a conundrum. If we start with self-love but lose it, focusing on loving others, and we are supposed to love others as we love ourselves, how do we get it back? How do we love ourselves?
There are actually some pretty simple (not always easy) ways to change your life and love yourself:
1.) Invest in Yourself:
When you are learning anything new, it takes some work, and you need to be willing to invest in yourself in the process. If you were learning the language of Spanish, you'd expect to have to study from someone who speaks the language, start to read it, write it, and say it. You would probably spend some money on a class or books. You would research the best person to teach you and commit to practising in between your sessions together.
Learning how to change your beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behaviours takes a commitment. You need to be willing to take 100% responsibility for your life, do the work with someone who has walked the path, and knows how to get you from A to Z.
Be prepared for challenges and challenging questions, as well as encouragement and praise. Don't choose someone that is going to let you keep doing things the same.
If you want to stay stuck, save your time and money. If you're going to make a change, then find someone who will hold you accountable compassionately like a skilled therapist, life coach or social worker.
I help women who are ready to make the commitment through personal 1:1 life coaching. Together I guide you to discover your confidence, and yourself so you can fall in love with yourself and create a life that is in line with your soul's purpose.
2.) Level UP:
As you grow in faith and connection to yourself, you will be increasing your vibration.
Love is the highest vibrational frequency there is, and as you fill yourself up more and more with self-love, you will be levelling up. It feels wonderful and new. You are changing your channel.
Be prepared for some discomfort along the way. As you vibrate on your new frequency, there will be some discord with others on a different channel. It's like you have tuned in now to KR890 Country and some of your friends and family are still listening to Easy Listening 101. They might not get you, and you might not get them.
Patience is a virtue when you are making this transition. Remember, you are loving yourself, not punishing yourself. You don't need to cut yourself off from people you love.
But, you may need to make some changes, and you may need to set some boundaries. Some people who are healthy and matter to you will adjust. Other people who are unhealthy will try and bring you down to a lower vibration, a less loving one where you used to reside.
They will say things like "oh, you're too good for us now, or think you are so special" or comments intended to make you feel bad. If they have to be in your life for some reason (parent, children), consider how much time you need to spend and how you spend it.
The stronger you become, the more filled with love and light, the less the comments or criticism of others will bother you. No one can tear you down unless you allow it.
When you stay in a vibration and energy of love and light, you attract that same energy.
The Universe will bring new people into your path who are on the same frequency as you. Don't be afraid to hang on to unhealthy relationships out of fear that you will be alone. Release the fear, and make decisions that are loving for yourself; trust the Universe to place you in the right place, with the right people to support you.
3.) Validate Yourself:
We all have the same value; we do not have the same way of expressing it globally.
One of the most unloving things you do is to compare yourself to another person.
You were created with your own unique gifts. They were created with their unique gifts. We were not meant to be identical.
I love the Maria Montessori system of learning for preschoolers, but one thing that is absent is praise. It is designed with the idea that if you hold a high expectation, a child will rise to it and that since you held the high expectation, the behaviour is expected. It was started for children with disabilities and works very well in mainstream education to create high achievers. But, very little praise is awarded.
Where praise becomes an issue is when it is disingenuous. Kids know if you are blowing smoke. They know if they haven't earned it. When you tell a child that every single thing they do is perfect, when you give too much, you can create just as big a problem as when you give too little.
Instead of the focus being on the achievement and the effort, it is on the praise. "Did you see me?" "Do you love me enough?" You can create a monster where there is no amount of external reward that will satisfy you.
A woman who has been given everything, has been daddy or mommy's little angel or princess and can never do wrong, is always right, and perfect and then enters a relationship will be a challenging partner. She will still be saying: "Did you see me? Do you love me enough?" And there will never be enough!
Social media feeds this craving for incessant praise and external validation.
"Did you see my post, my reel, my story?" "Do you like it, love it, follow me?"
Comments on all of the forums can become vicious, and even ones that are not can fester in the mind of someone needy for external approval.
I use many social media forums in my business; I'm not about to tell you to turn them all off. What do I say then?
Start to be discerning. Use your own voice as the PRIMARY voice for validation and approval. I have many blogs and videos about affirmations and how to replace the negative critical voice that invades your space. Kick out the nasty voices and input your own positive, loving one.
4. Do Loving Things:
A cycle that happens in unhealthy relationships is one or both partners will say that they will change and make all kinds of promises to the other.
Often, these declarations happen at a breaking point when one person has said, that is it, "enough is enough." The words may make a difference at the moment, and the relationship will mend for a while; peace will be restored, but eventually, unless there is action to back it up, the cycle will repeat, and the couple ends up back in an unhappy place all over again.
Don't do that to yourself.
If you are at a point where you are ready to make a change, then take a real step. Words are not enough when it comes to love. Loving actions are what will make the difference between feeling loved and continuing to disrespect and undermine your self-worth. I have posted two videos, How to Love Yourself with Journaling, https://youtu.be/__MVWLyriDw, and How to Love Yourself: 2 Simple Steps, https://youtu.be/sUasKQxH5jM, that describe some efficient action steps to take to love yourself.
You are reading this for a reason. Trust that the Universe has connected you to this information and to me so that you can move forward in your self-love journey. That is how growth happens. You need to do your part and take one right step at a time.
I would love to connect with you and help you to make a positive transformation in your life. Life is meant to be lived with love, meaning and purpose.
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