Is it Time to Get Back Out There & Get The Love You Want?
Jenny is a lovely young woman in her early thirties who has been single for almost a year. She thought her last relationship would be the LAST relationship and was devasted when it ended in heartache after 4 years.
Now, as she looks back, she can see they weren't compatible right from the start, and she spent a lot of time and effort trying to make it work.
Jenny is one of my clients. When her breakup happened, she began a journey of inner work that continues to deepen her sense of self-love and healing. Initially filled with pain and hope to "win back" her partner, she has since come to a new understanding of what she wants and needs for herself and in a relationship.
As adults, we carry with us a set of beliefs about ourselves and relationships that we formed in our childhood. When you grow up as a child of emotional neglect, emotional wounds need repair before you learn how to navigate a secure relationship. Mindsets of anxiety or avoidance around attachment are wired into our brains. Without doing the inner work, you might find yourself either attracted to emotionally unavailable partners or being emotionally unable to partner with another.
Because of Jenny's childhood trauma, she has a deep need for connection and is very sensitive to feelings of abandonment. Her previous partner wasn't a bad guy. But, neither of them understood her need for extra support, and he was unable and unwilling to talk about it or work with her or on his own issues. And that is key. If you want to find or stay in love, you must be willing to do your inner work.
Fear of opening yourself up again after you've been hurt is understandable. To love again involves an element of risk and vulnerability. Here are some common questions that arise and the answers to help you get back out there:
"How Long Should I Wait Before I Date Again?"
Honestly, there is no magic formula of months divided by years. (I've seen this) It isn't about time.
It is about what you do with the time you are taking. My mother has never really dated again since my dad died 56 years ago, and she has also never really healed. On the other hand, some people jump onto a dating app while eating ice cream in the bathtub and crying over the split. I don't recommend either strategy.
Instead, take the time you need to do your inner work with 100% commitment and focus. Don't play around at it. So many folks say "I'm working on myself" in the same way that people say, "I belong to a gym." You know if you are a gym membership holder but never go, or you get up in the morning 5 days a week with devotion.
If you are doing your inner work with focus and commitment and are invested in yourself fully, you will get results: more joy, more calm, more confidence, more attractiveness, more vibrant energy.
"Will I Attract Another Bad Relationship?"
One of the reasons people don't put themselves out there is fear of failure. This is true about starting a new job, career, course at school, venture, relationship, etc. Anything you try has the chance to fail. If you don't do it does that mean you succeeded? Absolutely not. It just means you didn't have the guts to try.
I get the question. You got hurt. It felt bad. But let's reframe it a bit. Who says it was a BAD relationship? Even the most difficult experiences in life are lessons if you allow them to be.
What can you learn from your last relationship that can help you grow?
Let's take Jenny, for example. Her childhood wounds made her extremely sensitive to abandonment and in need of connection.
Unfortunately, she spent 4 years with a guy who avoided closeness, pulled away, and called her needy and clingy when she asked for his time and attention. She changed her hair, clothing style, lost weight, quit her hobbies, and stopped seeing most of her friends. She even changed her major in school and relocated – twice. The relationship still ended. They just weren't compatible.
After reconnecting with her Inner Child and doing her inner work, here's what Jenny learned:
"I realize I abandoned myself in that relationship. I blamed him, but I abandoned myself over and over. I stopped being myself, I stopped being authentic or speaking my voice, just hoping that he'd choose me, want me. I realize I've been doing that my whole life, not just with him. Constantly saying, see me, choose me, pick me, want me.
But enough is enough. I want me, and I choose me. I am enough."
"How Do I Believe I Will Find Love Again?"
Many sites try to convince you of the right clothes, or makeup to wear or the moves to seduce and win your mate. Looking good can make you feel comfortable and confident, so sure, go for it.
However, nothing on the outside replaces BELIEF.
Every word thought, and action carries with it a specific energetic vibration and these vibrations are transmitted to the world. If you hold beliefs that you are less than others, need to people-please to be loved and have no boundaries, that vibration is picked up by someone who is wired to receive it. Contrastingly if you hold beliefs that you are worthy of respect, capable of giving and receiving love, authentic that vibration is picked up by someone who is wired to receive it. You manifest who you believe you are. Believe in love and be it. You will communicate your vibration in the profile you set up, in the way you sit up straight, make eye contact, smile, walk confidently, and your energy.
"How Do I Know I'm Ready?"
Are you willing to take it slow? This is not a game, so you don't have to rack up as many dates as possible or rush to the finish line with anyone.
In fact, go for the slow burn over the hot and heavy rush. Many of us have expectations, fed by movies and social media, that romance should be fireworks, rockets, and feelings of intensity right from the get-go. If you feel that, I suggest you take a big step back. Extremes are flags, and extreme familiarity, and extreme intensity are often signs that your wound is responding to this person.
Instead, see if your values and goals are aligned. Are they doing any inner work? Are they willing to communicate openly and honestly about both your needs? Compatibility is much more critical over the long haul. Take your time and get to know the person before you take things to a physical level.
Don't stop everything else. Continue to pursue your own interests and join groups with other people who hold a vibration of positivity around love and relationships. There are so many sites and groups that are happy to tear others down. Keep aligned with a vibe that supports what you are trying to achieve. Stay connected to a community of support to heal from the original wound and allow yourself to open to a secure partner who can continue with you on your healing journey.
"What About Jenny?"
Once Jenny learned she was enough as her authentic self, she began dating again and signed up for an online site. She set up a profile for the first time, honestly instead of worrying about trying to figure out what someone else would want her to say. She said it was important to her to "check in regularly every day" and "also really needed alone time every day to just be zen".
She says she is finally enjoying dating now. She reacts so much less because of the inner work she's been doing, and she knows how to set boundaries. "Way less drama, way more fun." She also said, "I don't want to jinx anything, Fiona but I've met someone I really like. We are just taking it slow. We'll see how it goes and I'll keep you posted." PERFECT!
If this calls to you and you would like to learn more about how to take the next step on your journey of self-love & empowerment let's talk.
Schedule a free 30-minute session and we can talk privately about the work we will be doing together.
If you aren't quite ready to book a session but still want to learn more email your questions to: firstname.lastname@example.org