How We Lose Our Power
Pain originates through neural pathways that send information to your brain to tell you something is up that is not good for you, and you need to do something about it. This happens when you step on a piece of glass touch a hot stove, and also occurs with childhood trauma.
Something was too painful, and so your subconscious steps in. It sends a message that says whatever you are experiencing is “too much” and creates a new reality for you. Whatever was happening gets re-defined by your child self. For example, your parents can’t possibly be neglectful or abusive – that is too painful. They are supposed to take care of you and love you. Instead, you decide you are the problem, and you are hard to love, and there is something wrong with you. Maybe, you think to yourself if you are better behaved, or if you were smarter, prettier, less clumsy, not so loud, or thinner, they would love you.
Humans are pain averse, and we will do whatever we believe is necessary to avoid it. If you have determined that love is ‘gettable’ if you are who and what the people around you want you to be, you have embarked on a mission: figure out what they need you to be and be it.
At the moment when you dull the pain of feeling rejected and unloved by another by turning on yourself, you lose your power.
The pain of being abandoned by others is terrifying. On a biological level, acceptance by others has been necessary for our survival, so, understandably, the pain is so deeply ingrained and deeply felt. Rejection cuts to the core and so to stay connected to your tribe, you abandon the truth and yourselves. To please the other, you must deny your gifts, suppress your desires, turn your back on your dreams. You go unseen and unheard. You embrace a new pain.
Life can re-ignite the pain of childhood trauma in the blink of an eye. Indeed, significant events like a relationship breakup, loss of a job, moving house, grief or any number of circumstances can trigger old thoughts, feelings and beliefs.
But, even seemingly insignificant situations that are familiar can send you reeling backwards in time. A look, a tone of voice, or a similar dynamic can be the pain trigger that sends the message to your brain: danger, danger, danger.
Once the threat of a familiar pain is perceived, you can become overwhelmed and unable to make any decisions. In your quest to avoid pain, you might engage in destructive habits like drugs, alcohol, gambling, promiscuity, procrastination, and complacency. You might stay in unhealthy or toxic relationships, remain unseen and unheard. You are a victim of fear, helpless, powerless.
You might be a CEO of a company and be very successful in business but be walking on eggshells at home, or perhaps you have a happy family life but are bullied incessantly at work. You might be the bully, needing to control everyone and everything around you to feel safe.
Have You Given Your Power Away?
When triggered, the feelings are coming from your wounded inner child and not from the present moment. You revert back to that inner child and attempt to avoid that original pain all over again through safety-seeking behaviours.
Here are some signs that you are reacting from your wounded inner child and that you have given your power away:
When you get mad, you rage
You define yourself as having “abandonment issues.”
You are ashamed of your feelings
You are a people pleaser – can’t say no
You describe yourself as “the black sheep of the family.”
You have trouble letting go physically and emotionally
You define yourself as a perfectionist or A-type personality
You have a constant negative critic
You are rigid or controlling
You don’t follow through with things
You have sex even when you don’t really want to
You distrust other people
You are addicted to something
You have social anxiety
You will do anything to keep a relationship
You hold a lot of resentment
You are judgmental
Awakening to the Truth
The truth is, you are already loveable. You came into the world with everything you needed; all the unique gifts and exceptional qualities that made you loveable were part of your divine creation.
Unfortunately, not every parent is capable of unconditionally loving. In fact, most never experienced it and can’t give what they never received. When you felt their lack, you imagined it was about you, and nobody explained it wasn’t.
We push away the original pain in our desperation to gain some control. To take back our power, we need to revisit it. This is no fun, and that is why for many of us, we have to hit “our rock bottom” at least once before we are willing.
Personally, I was a slow learner, and I had to hit bottom a few times. The loss of my marriage was devastating for me, even though I was the one who initiated its end. I did “just enough work” to get me out the door, and then I mistakenly thought I was free of the problem. Sure, there were issues with the marriage, and my ex is not perfect, but that wasn’t the problem. I was still a wounded child of trauma who hadn’t realized her patterns, so I inevitably recreated my fears again and again.
Healing has to happen from the inside out, and just like with cancer, you have to find the primary site.
This work isn’t something easy to do on your own, and you are programmed to duck and weave away from the places you need to go. A trained, experienced guide is key to getting you swiftly and compassionately within, identifying the pattern, and then most importantly, to help you release the toxic energy you have been storing like poison in your body all this time.
Breakthrough to Breakfree
Once you breakthrough and release the energy, it feels different immediately. The bonds that have held you trapped in the past are broken. You’ve been carrying the weight of negative energy in your cells for years, and without it, you feel lighter and able to connect to the present.
There is still work to be done, but there is space to move and grow.
Steps to Take Your Power Back
1. Find the REAL PAIN:
The first step to taking back your power is to see pain differently. Just like I had to realize when I left my marriage, the real pain is not someone or something external. You have to find the ORIGINAL PAIN to heal, and it is WITHIN YOU.
2. Be Willing to Go For Help:
The original pain is not apparent, and it hides in your subconscious, in darkness, and you are programmed to avoid it.
It takes a compassionate and skilled guide to help you get to it and shine your light within.
3. Release the Energy:
Once you find the wound, release the negative energy, fill with light and love and connect to the present. As your coach, I guide you through a safe, step by step process that you use to release energy, and take responsibility for your own needs. My goal is to empower you.
4. Claim Your Power:
Declare to yourself, to your subconscious, that you are willing to accept and love yourself, that you know you are worthy and ready to step into your power. Make the decision.
5. Relinquish Your Old Patterns:
Begin a program of self-reflection and self-accountability to extinguish and relinquish the patterns that no longer serve you, such as: seeking external validation and self-sabotage.
6. Initiate New Patterns:
Begin a consistent routine that includes meditation, visualization, affirmation, journaling, gratitude and accountability check-ins, intention setting.
Here are some beautiful affirmations to start your day powerfully:
I am confident and ready for whatever gifts the Universe has today
I am competent and capable
I am worthy
I love and accept myself unconditionally because it is essential for my happiness.
I make plans, and I am flexible and open to change.
I honour my unique gifts and the gifts of others. I am amazing and recognize that no one is more amazing than me.
I was created 100% whole and am filled with the love and light of source.
I deserve to have my own thoughts, feelings and opinions and express them with respect.
My words are impeccable. I will keep my integrity and speak only with compassion and respect to myself and others.
If you are ready to live authentically then the very first step is to find a coach that you trust and that is a good fit. Click this link for a FREE 30-minute consultation and let's explore the possibilities together.